Mr. T Gets Jury Duty

Last week, Mr. T got called for jury duty. He did not get selected, but managed to pull it off quite well. He commented, "If you're innocent, I'm your best friend. If you're guilty...I pity da fool!"

I wonder how he would have handled deliberations. Usually he doan have much time fo jibba jabba.

President Obama's Shrewd Trade

The story goes that, upon returning from one of his trips abroad, President Obama climbs onto the helicopter Marine One, with a little piglet under each arm. "What do you have there, Mr. President?" asks the pilot.

"These are Chinese potbellied pigs," President Obama replies. "I got one for Hillary Clinton, and another one for Nancy Pelosi"

To which the Marine pilot replies, "Shrew trade, Mr. President."

Liberals and Light Bulbs

Question: how many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Even if you gave them a century and a half, all the liberals in the world could never change a single light bulb. Because if *we* change *our* light bulbs, the Russians/Chinese/North Koreans/whoever will just change *their* light bulbs and who knows *where* it will end?

I hear the UN Security Council was called into emergency session. Oh whoa! Back in 1967, at the age of 11, I watched the UN Security Council debates in the aftermath of the Six Day War, and rapidly came to the conclusion that the UN was a waste of time. Nothing has happened the the last 42 years to change my mind.

I disagree with Dick Morris on one point- that there is no military option. Not necessarily so, but I think it is extremely unlikely Obama has the cojones to ask Congress for authorization for use of force against North Korea. This is a very bad situation, which is almost certain to get dramatically worse. Right now, North Korea has a handful of nukes and very limited means to deliver them. The US has several thousand nukes and all kinds of means to deliver them. I'd say to North Korea, disarm completely, or else launch a preemptive strike. I realize some will call me alarmist. Well, I'd say in the next ten years it's better than 50/50 that we'll lose an American city to a smuggled nuke.

Kent

P.S. Plenty of blame to share between Clinton and Bush 43. Of course a great many people would rather fix the blame than fix the problem.

Half a Head of Lettuce

Since I'm from Columbus, Ohio, I get to tell this one:

Once upon a time, there was a young man who had a gift for talking his way into trouble, and as well as a gift for talking his way back *out* of trouble. He was working a grocery store when a customer asked hat was the price for half a head of lettuce. He said, "I'll go ask the manager. Unnoticed, the customer followed him.

The young fellow said to the manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce" Then, realizing that the customer had followed him, added, "And this outstanding gentleman wants to buy the *other* half!"

A little later, the manager took him aside and told "I was impressed with the way you handled that. Our chain is opening up a new store- would you like to be a manager"

"That depends- where is it?"

"Columbus, Ohio."

"COLUMBUS, OHIO?!?! Nothing comes out of Columbus, Ohio, except hookers and football players!"

Dead Silence. Finally, the manager said, "Kid, let me tell you something: my mother is from Columbus, Ohio, my wife is from Columbus, Ohio, and my daughter is from Columbus, Ohio. Any questions?"

"Great! What positions do they play?"

My First Day of Law School

I was sitting in the front row of room 101 of the Notre Dame law school, at 8am on the last Monday of August, 1984, when Professor G. Robert Blakey walked in, and started lecturing about the case of Regina v. Dudley and Stevens. Professor Blakey is the most brilliant legal scholar who has ever walked the face of the Earth. Don't take my word for it- just *ask* him.

(G. Bob is an arrogant man, with two important redeeming qualities- 1. he will freely admit that he is arrogant, and 2. he is very much *entitled* to be arrogant. Ever hear of someone being charged with "rackeeting"? That is a reference to 42 US Code 1961, the Racketeering Influenced Corrupt Organization Act, or RICO. Professor Blakey was the principal draftsman of that legislation)

Very early in the class, he told us, "There are two things I want you to remember if you ever practice criminal law: 1. get your fee up front, and 2. if it becomes clear that somebody is going to go to jail, make sure that it is your client and not you."

Good advice- which I have heeded for the past 25 years. Thank you, G. Bob.

David Van Buskirk

David van Buskirk, the eldest of ten children, served as an officer in F company, 27th Indiana Infantry regiment during the Civil War. After he was captured at the battle of Winchester in May, 1862, some Confederates dubbed him "the World's Biggest Yankee"- which was a fair description. In a day when President Lincoln was considered a giant at 6'4", van Buskirk was 6' 10 1/2" and weighted well in excess of 300 pounds. An enterprizing Confederate businessman worked out a deal with the prison camp commander- and charged people admission to see him. That must have been rough on van Buskirk's pride- but he did get extra rations in the deal, so he might have been the only POW of the war who *gained* weight during his time as a POW. After being exchanged, van Buskirk did serve creditably as a captain- although he was *awfully* rough on his horses- until he resigned his commission due to ill health in 1864. (He managed to live til just short of his 60th birthday in 1886).

Captain van Buskirk did manage to keep a sense of humor, even in difficult times. While a POW, van Buskirk got a visit from Confederate President Jefferson Davis, who asked about his family. Van Buskirk said, "When we shipped out, my six sisters all came to see me. They all bent down, and kissed me on the top of my head."

Hmmmm....I can't be certain, but I very much suspect that that is a tall tale.

Barton W. Mitchell

Okay, so what are the odds that another soldier in Captain van Buskirk's outfit- F company of the 27th Indiana Infantry Regiment- would make a MAJOR contribution to the Union victory- and the course of American history? Ah, here comes the story of one of America's great unsung heroes: Corporal Barton W. Mitchell. (No relation- my ancestors wore butternut gray.) Corporal Barton W. Mitchell was quite old to be a soldier- he was at least 45 years old when he enlisted in September, 1861, leaving a wife and four children at home. On Septeber 13, 1862, (coincidentally exactly one year and one day after he enlisted) while his unit was taking a break from marching near Fredrick, Maryland, he noticed a package in the grass by the road. Upon examining it, he discovered three cigars wrapped in a document- which happened to be a copy of Confederate General Robert E. Lee's Special Order 191, which laid out Lee's plans to invade Maryland. Within the hour, those plans were in the hands of General George McClellan, Commander of the Army of the Potomac, who declared, "Now I will beat Lee or go home."

Unfortunately for the the Union cause, McClellan had an amazing capacity for passing up golden opportunities; he did bring Lee's army to battle on September 17, 1862, at Sharpsburg/Antietam in the bloodiest single day of American history. The two armies suffered 23,000 casualties in a tactical draw and a strategic Union victory- since it forced Lee to abandon his invasion of Maryland. It also resulted in President Lincoln finally relieving General McClellan (with General Ambrose Burnside- another spectacular incompetent). Even more importantly, several months earlier, Lincoln had decided to issue the Emancipation Proclamation, but had been counseled not to issue it until the Union Army won a victory- lest the measure be seen as an act of desperation. Antietam gave Lincoln the victory he needed. September 22nd, 1862, Lincoln issued the Proclamation. Corporal Mitchell never got any recognition during his lifetime- he was severely wounded in the leg at Antietam, and was discharged due to his wound in 1864. In the days before antibiotics, such wounds tended to be lifelong afflictions. Apparently it was a factor in Mitchell's death in 1868, when he was only 52. (His wife did manage to get a pension- in 1890) Until WWII, the story of America's treatment of its veterans has not been a happy one.