President Ford's Commencement Address

When President Ford's daughter Susan graduated from high school, her father was the Commencement Speaker. He began, "On the way over here, my daughter Susan said to me, 'Don't tell jokes, don't talk about how things were when you graduated from high school, and *whatever* you do, *don't* tell stories about me when I was little'"

...(long pause)...

"So, in conclusion, I'd like to say..."

Elvis' First Sergeant

A few years ago, while waiting for a doctor's appointment, I happened to chat with a older gentleman who was a retired soldier. When he mentioned that he'd served in Germany in the late 50s. I asked him if he'd ever crossed paths with Elvis Presley. He said, no, but he'd served with Elvis' First Sergeant. So I picked up a couple of good stories.

Elvis' company had a several old fashioned push lawn mowers- until shortly after Elvis' arrived- then some 'anonymous benefactor' got the unit modern power mowers- so all the guys on casual detail thopught Elvis was the greatest. In all the guys in the unit thought Elvis was great, *except* the *mail* *clerk*, who did *not* appreciate that his workload more than *quadrupled* when Elvis showed up.

The grisly (but true) story of the Awa Maru

The Awa Maru was an 11,000-ton troop transport with a crew of 148 that the Japanese converted into a hospital ship. In January 1945, Japan and America agreed to give safe conduct to ships carrying Red Cross supplies to Allied POW camps. So, in February, 1945, the Awa Maru set off for the South Seas, carrying 2,000 tons of Red Cross parcels (and 20 crated aircraft, and 500 tons of munitions- the Japanese had few scruples about violating agreements).

After delivering its cargo, the Awa Maru loaded up with war materials: oil, aluminium, rubber, and tons of looted gold and platinum. The Japanese also took advantage of the promise of safe conduct by cramming the Awa Maru with 1,900 soldiers, technicians, and civilians they wanted to get back to Japan.

On the evening of April 1, 1945, the Awa Maru was headed north in the Straits of Taiwan at the speed of 17 knots. Also in the Straits that night was the USS Queenfish (SS-393), whose CO, Commander Charles Loughlin, was in between a rock and a very hard place. He had received the message from Pacific Fleet headquarters about granting the Awa Maru safe passage. He also saw a radar contact that looked like a destroyer, and he knew that failing to press home an attack was a court-marital offense. It was a foggy night, with visibility around 200 yards, so the red crosses and floodlights on the sides of the Awa Maru weren't doing any good. At 2300 (11p.m.), Commander Loughlin fired four torpedoes. All of them hit, and the Awa Maru sank in about *two* *minutes*. Quite a few of the over two thousand men onboard managed to get off the ship, but only *one*, a steward named Kantoro Shimoda, tried to get picked up by the Archerfish. The rest went to the bottom.

The Chief of Naval Operations, Fleet Admiral Frank King ordered Commander Loughlin court-martialed (he got off relatively easy with a Letter of Admonition- and as a result, the members of the Court Martial caught hell from Admiral King).

The interrogators who questioned Steward Shimoda heard quite a story. The Awa Maru was not the first sinking he'd survived. He'd been onboard the Heiyo Maru (sunk Jan. '43), the Teiko Maru (sunk Feb '44), and the Teia Maru (sunk August '44). I can't find any record of what Kantoro Shimoda did after the war- I suspect he would have liked to have moved to a monastery on the slopes of the Himalayas.

General Eaker's Excellent Speech

In December, 1942, Brigadier General Ira Eaker took command of the US Eighth Army Air Force in England. To mark that occasion, he gave a speech that went:

"We won't do much talking until we've done more fighting. After we've gone, we hope you'll be glad we came."

General Eaker was a man of extraordinary economy of speech.

Farrah Fawcett at the Pearly Gates

When Farrah arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Farrah, you lived a charmed life, but that last year was awfully rough...so, you are granted one wish."

Farrah considers this for a bit, and then says, "Alright...I want all the children to be safe."

At that point, a *thunderous* cheer rang out from one end of heaven to the other.

Said Farrah, "I'm glad everybody liked my wish."

"Well, sort of", replied St. Peter, "Michael Jackson just showed up!"

Lusitania

When a German submarine torpedoed and sank the Ocean liner Lusitania on May 7, 1915, over a hundred Americans were among the 1,500 people who perished. This was a major factor in ultimately bringing the United States into the war on the Allied side.

The last surviving crew member of the Lusitania was a cabin boy who was 16 at the time. He was still around in 1986. He had a granddaughter who was an executive at the London Holiday, and that Spring and Summer, she had a passioniate affair with an American law student. (wink)

Alfred the Great

In over a millennia of English kings, only one ever earned the nickname “the Great:” Alfred. He was a great warrior who repelled a Danish invasion. He was a merciful man. Instead of killing prisoners out of hand, he gave them the option of converting to Christianity. A scholar, he spent a great deal of his money setting up schools. However, a millennium after his death, that’s not what he is remembered for.

Once, during a defeat, he sought retreat at a farmer’s home. The farmer’s wife let him in and allowed him to sit by the fire, telling him to watch the cakes cooking on the fire. His mind wandered as he thought of his countrymen suffering. He caught hell from the farmer’s wife for letting the cakes burn. I’ve always thought it would be a great sketch to have John Cleese portray Alfred the Great from the Great Beyond grousing, “I preserved the country, set up schools, showed enemies mercy, but you burn one cake…”

In some ways, this reminds me of my old friend, Woody Hayes. Woody was a great scholar, educator, Naval officer and one of the greatest football coaches ever. Unfortunately, every time he screwed up, he tended to do it on national television. I suspect that Woody Hayes, at this moment, is commiserating with his partner in big, well-publicized mistakes, Alfred the Great.