Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wrigley at the Movies
Once upon the time, I had the chance to dogsit for my coworkers’ beagle, Wrigley, the Wonder Beagle. When I put on a DVD of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Wrigley started barking and wagging his tail at Brad Pitt. When the heroine, Angelina Jolie, showed up, Wrigley started panting and howling. And when the villain showed up, Wrigley started growling. When Wrigley’s owner got back into town, I told her that I had been very much surprised at exactly how much Wrigley had enjoyed the movie. She said, “So am I. He hated the book.”
Candidate Jones’ Guest
I once had lunch with a Marine Captain at The Ohio State University’s Naval ROTC. He told me that, after his class of officer candidates had finished their course and were about to participate in their graduation ceremony, their senior training officer asked them if anyone had any VIP guests.
Candidate Jones spoke up and said, “Yes, my father will be attending.” That’s when he mentioned his father was General James Jones, Commandant of the United States Marine Corps.
It made me proud to be an American. Going through Marine OCS, the Commandant’s son got the same training as everyone else.
Candidate Jones spoke up and said, “Yes, my father will be attending.” That’s when he mentioned his father was General James Jones, Commandant of the United States Marine Corps.
It made me proud to be an American. Going through Marine OCS, the Commandant’s son got the same training as everyone else.
Beyond Perfect?
One of the rewards of being a sports trivia geek with a long memory is getting to see how long-term predictions turn out. Clear back in 1980, Esquire Magazine published an article on perfect performances. The article, “What’s Merely Great and What’s Perfect,” made three predictions: 1) The best possible distance for a shot put would be 100 feet. 2) The longest possible long jump would be 29’ 5” (just a few inches past Bob Beamon’s epic jump in the 1968 Olympics) and 3) No human being could run 100 meters faster than 9.6 seconds. 29 years later, no one has come remotely close to 100 feet in the shot put. Michael Powell’s long jump record is just longer than Beamon’s. Usain Bolt, however, has managed a time of 9.59 seconds in the 100 meters. According to the aforementioned article, this is impossible. It’s amazing how times change.
One politically incorrect detail: the fastest any white guy’s ever run is 9.997 (unofficial).
One politically incorrect detail: the fastest any white guy’s ever run is 9.997 (unofficial).
Woody Hayes’ Sense of Humor
Woody Hayes was notorious for having a hair-trigger temper. Once, Columbus Monthly Magazine posted a short item entitled, “If You Want To Get Punched in the Nose By Woody Hayes, You’re Going To Have to Wait in Line Like Everybody Else.” (Kindly note that they ran this item before he was fired after the 1978 Gator Bowl.) Those of us who knew Woody fairly well recognized that at least 90% of his fits of temper were play-acting. The other 10%, admittedly, caused him some real problems. In the 1968 Ohio State/Michigan game, the Buckeyes gave their archrivals a spectacular whuppin’ with a final score of 50-14. After Ohio State’s last touchdown, the squad responsible for kicking the extra point made a mistake and had to improvise on the point after touchdown play, which failed. After the game, when reporters asked him why he’d gone for two, Woody decided he did not want to embarrass his players after they’d played such a great game, so he growled, “Because I couldn’t go for three!” People who didn’t know Woody thought that he was running up the score, which was not Woody’s style at all.
In the late 1970s, Woody had to have surgery for gall stones. Major abdominal surgery must be a real trauma for a man in his mid-sixties. After the doctors at the Ohio State Medical Center removed the gallstones and sewn Woody back up, they counted the sponges and came up one short. Later that day, the chief of surgery had to visit Woody on his sickbed and endure the embarrassment of telling Woody they were going to have to open up his abdomen a second time. Woody was silent for a moment, then commented wryly, “That’s strange…in 28 years as a football coach, I never made a mistake.”
The reader can answer for themselves how much they would sue the hospital for. Woody wouldn’t give the matter a second thought. He really loved Ohio State. Once, one of his players kidded Woody that he would never retire and that he would, no doubt, die standing on the sideline of an Ohio State/Michigan game with the score in the Buckeyes’ favor. And if Ohio State wasn’t winning, he wouldn’t die. Woody thought that was hilarious and later retold that joke at a sports banquet. People from outside Columbus thought that Coach Hayes was serious and concluded that Woody had completely lost his mind.
I’m very proud to say that I once had the priceless experience of telling a Woody story to Woody himself. The story that I told Woody was that, one night, Woody was walking across campus when a student came rushing out of a dorm. He said, “Coach Hayes, can you help us? There’s a kid on the roof threatening to jump. Woody immediately runs to the roof where, indeed, there was a kid standing on the ledge.
Coach Hayes said, “Look, son. Don’t do anything rash. Think of this wonderful institution you’re attending.”
The kid replied that he was flunking out.
“Well,” Woody said. “Think of the people who care about you. Your parents. Your friends.”
The kid said, “Why do you think I’m here?”
Woody said, “Okay, so things aren’t too good for you here or at home. But I’ll bet you that this year, the Buckeyes will go undefeated, win the Big Ten and the Rose Bowl and are named National Champions. Won’t that be terrific?”
To which the kid replies, “I’m a Michigan fan.”
At that point, Woody Hayes interrupted my telling of the story to shout, “Jump, you little sonofabitch! Jump!”
That's Woody in the center during World War II.
In the late 1970s, Woody had to have surgery for gall stones. Major abdominal surgery must be a real trauma for a man in his mid-sixties. After the doctors at the Ohio State Medical Center removed the gallstones and sewn Woody back up, they counted the sponges and came up one short. Later that day, the chief of surgery had to visit Woody on his sickbed and endure the embarrassment of telling Woody they were going to have to open up his abdomen a second time. Woody was silent for a moment, then commented wryly, “That’s strange…in 28 years as a football coach, I never made a mistake.”
The reader can answer for themselves how much they would sue the hospital for. Woody wouldn’t give the matter a second thought. He really loved Ohio State. Once, one of his players kidded Woody that he would never retire and that he would, no doubt, die standing on the sideline of an Ohio State/Michigan game with the score in the Buckeyes’ favor. And if Ohio State wasn’t winning, he wouldn’t die. Woody thought that was hilarious and later retold that joke at a sports banquet. People from outside Columbus thought that Coach Hayes was serious and concluded that Woody had completely lost his mind.
I’m very proud to say that I once had the priceless experience of telling a Woody story to Woody himself. The story that I told Woody was that, one night, Woody was walking across campus when a student came rushing out of a dorm. He said, “Coach Hayes, can you help us? There’s a kid on the roof threatening to jump. Woody immediately runs to the roof where, indeed, there was a kid standing on the ledge.
Coach Hayes said, “Look, son. Don’t do anything rash. Think of this wonderful institution you’re attending.”
The kid replied that he was flunking out.
“Well,” Woody said. “Think of the people who care about you. Your parents. Your friends.”
The kid said, “Why do you think I’m here?”
Woody said, “Okay, so things aren’t too good for you here or at home. But I’ll bet you that this year, the Buckeyes will go undefeated, win the Big Ten and the Rose Bowl and are named National Champions. Won’t that be terrific?”
To which the kid replies, “I’m a Michigan fan.”
At that point, Woody Hayes interrupted my telling of the story to shout, “Jump, you little sonofabitch! Jump!”
That's Woody in the center during World War II.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Noid Returns
Does anyone remember the Dominos Pizza “Avoid the Noid” campaign? It featured a nasty red-suited character who attempted to ruin Dominos’ deliveries. With Domino’s Pizza, you could avoid the noid. Just about everyone except Kenneth Lamar Noid. A former mental patient suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, he concluded that the Domino’s corporatipon was out to get him. Sometime in the 1990s, Mr. Noid stormed into an Atlanta Domino’s store with a gun, taking hostages. He demanded $100,000 and a pizza. No word on what he wanted on his pizza. He ultimately surrendered to police and was tried on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery, but was found not guilty on reason of insanity.
Mr. Noid has managed to stay out of the news since then. My best guess would be that Domino’s Corporation is keeping him well-supplied with dough.
Mr. Noid has managed to stay out of the news since then. My best guess would be that Domino’s Corporation is keeping him well-supplied with dough.
Ted Knight
Most people remember Ted Knight as the clueless anchor Ted Baxter on The Mary Tyler Moore Show or from Caddyshack. Ted Knight was born Tadeus Wlabysaw Konopka. During World War II, he served in the Combat Engineers, specializing in mine removal. His service was so exemplary that he was repeatedly decorated for bravery. Indeed, he received the Bronze Star five times. As a comedian, Ted Knight has his ups and downs, but his comrades in the Engineers were grateful for the fact that as a mine detector, he never bombed.
The Crying Game: A Hairy Situation
One time, when I was in London, during my second year of law school, I was stretched out on a couch reading a book when I heard a young woman from the undergraduate program crying and shrieking and waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiling at the top of her lungs. She would cry and cry and gasp and then cry some more. I looked over and the young woman’s boyfriend was patting her on the back as she cried and cried and cried. I didn’t know her well, only enough to say hello. I debated what to do. Her boyfriend clearly had the situation well in hand, but a fellow human was in distress, and I wanted to help.
So after about a minute, I walked into the law center’s pub, put a fifty pence piece in the Coke machine, returned to the lobby, pressed the can of Coke into her hand. I said, “Here. Whatever it is, have a Coke and smile.”
This actually managed to settle her down a bit. A moment later, I turned to a friend of hers and asked in amazement what on Earth had set her off in such a manner. The reply I received stunned me. “She just got her hair cut and doesn’t like the way it looks.”
I considered this for a moment and when the young woman had finally settled down, I said, “Young lady, there are three things I want to say to you. First, I am so relieved to know that you didn’t just lose your whole family in an accident. Second, you look great and your hair looks great. Third, don’t you think that if anyone around here ought to be crying about the way their hair looks, it ought to be me?”
So after about a minute, I walked into the law center’s pub, put a fifty pence piece in the Coke machine, returned to the lobby, pressed the can of Coke into her hand. I said, “Here. Whatever it is, have a Coke and smile.”
This actually managed to settle her down a bit. A moment later, I turned to a friend of hers and asked in amazement what on Earth had set her off in such a manner. The reply I received stunned me. “She just got her hair cut and doesn’t like the way it looks.”
I considered this for a moment and when the young woman had finally settled down, I said, “Young lady, there are three things I want to say to you. First, I am so relieved to know that you didn’t just lose your whole family in an accident. Second, you look great and your hair looks great. Third, don’t you think that if anyone around here ought to be crying about the way their hair looks, it ought to be me?”
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