Tiger's Address Book (Yes, Yet Another One!)

Why did Mrs. Woods get so upset?

1. She found out Tiger had been using Magic Johnson's old address book.

2. She found out Tiger wasn't trying to break Jack Nicklaus' record, but rather Wilt Chamberlain's.

While I don't take celebrities' follies all that seriously, it looks like Mrs. Woods has hired a really good divorce attorney. I think she's going to take a walk.

Tiger, of course is re-writing his book: "How To Get In 18 Holes Without Your Wife Finding Out."

Gilad Shalit (Remembering U.S. Grant)

I see that the Israelis are about to 'buy' Gilad Shalit for a THOUSAND Palestinian prisoners. Damn fools! They would do well to follow the example of U.S. Grant during the last year of the Civil War, who stopped all prisoner exchanges- and won the war.

Audie Murphy is rightly revered as a great hero because he took out about a hundred enemy soldiers. Is Shalit worth a *thousand*? No way!

General Anthony McAuliffe

It was 65 years ago yesterday that Brigadier General Anthony McAuliffe, the acting commander of the American troops surrounded at Bastonge, received a demand from the German troops outside the town that he surrender. Upon reading the message, he commented to an aide, "Nuts, what do I say in response to this?"

The aide said, "How about what you just said?"

The rest is history. Because his response was simply "NUTS!"

For the rest of his life, people asked General McAuliffe frequently asked him if he didn't use a different four-letter word. However, I once saw an interview with that aide, who as emphatc that General McAuliffe did, in fact, say "NUTS!"

General McAuliffe was a man of both great bravery, and great brevity.

Parental Perspective (I): Nondriving Preschoolers

For anyone who has had a rough time with their kids recently: a friend of mine told me that she once got she got so exasperated with her three young 'uns that one day she told them to go to hell.

To which her four-year-old replied. "But mom, we can't. We don't drive!"

Juanita Jordan

In view of recent news about Tiger Woods, it might be useful to consider the case of Juanita Jordan, who managed to wind up with $160 million as a result of her divorce from her basketball star ex-husband. Hmmmm....she's gorgeous, and she's rich- what guy wouldn't want to catch her own the rebound?



p.s. One more Tiger Woods joke while we're on the topic: What is the difference beteen Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus usually stops after three Hos.

Oral Roberts

Sometimes, I hear of someone's passing, when it would take a heart of stone not to laugh. Oral Roberts ent to his reward at the age of 91. About 20 years ago, he announced that he feared that God was "going to call him home" if he did not raise an additional $8 million for Oral Roberts University. (Insert joke here)

To borrow from Lord Byron:

"Posterity will never survey
a nobler grave than this-
Here lie the bones of Oral Roberts...
Stop traveler...and piss"

Joe Don Looney

Joe Don Looney achieved fame for two great reasons. He was a great fullback at the University of Oklahoma who played several years in the NFL and he was very well named. In the Oklahoma locker room, there was a large trash can by the door with a sign on it reading, “Put your used tape here.” Looney, however, continued to throw his used tapes on the floor. When his coach rebuked him for this, and pointed out the trash can sign, which was in plain sight, Loony retorted: “I refuse to take orders from a trash can.”

I believe that while Obama people tend to blame McCain people (and vice versa) the truth is that we have entirely too many loony people running around loose. I think it’s all too common for people on one side of the political side of the spectrum to never give anyone on the other side credit for a good idea.