The Meaning of Tallis

A few years ago, a law school classmate of mine: an absolutely delightful lady named  Hedy Feder Glaser, invited me down to Miami to attend her son’s bar mitzvah.  I went, and I’m glad I did.  It was a wonderful experience.  Great people, beautiful synagogue — I also learned the meaning of Tallis and I will never forget that word for as long as I shall live.  I do not spend a whole lot of time in synagogues, but I do know the drill.  Before entering the sanctuary, place a prayer shawl over your neck and put on a Yarmulke. After the service, which was excellent: it lasted over 2 hours and nobody was leaving (I kid Hedy that her Rabbi is to religious speakers as Sandy Koufax is to baseball pitchers), I shook hands with the Rabbi.  Then, I wasted absolutely no time getting to the men’s room, dropping off my prayer shawl in the prescribed box outside the sanctuary.  When I opened the men’s room door I saw a sign that read:  “Please remove Tallis before using the men’s room.”  At that point, I thought to myself, “What in the Billy blue blazes is a Tallis anyway?” I don’t want to commit some goisha gaff in Hedy’s beautiful synagogue. Seriously, I would just about rather die.  I saw that two gentlemen made it to the urinals ahead of me.  Normally, I do not engage in conversations with men standing at urinals.  However, in this case, I thought it appropriate to call out, “Excuse me gentlemen, but what is a Tallis?” I can’t tell you how totally relieved I was when I heard the reply: “the Tallis is the prayer shawl,” (the prayer shawl which I had already removed and placed in the appropriate receptacle provided).  Oh, thank goodness!  I will not have committed the gaff of the decade. Hedy’s friends will not tease her about her uncouth gentile friend from Ohio, and I will not die of uremic poisoning like Tycho Brahe.  I was so relieved and, about a minute later, I was even more relieved. 

P.S. Hedy, please tell your Rabbi that I think he’s the Sandy Koufax of Rabbis.

Moshe Dayan's Parrot

The (entirely fictional) story goes that after the '67 war, Israeli Defense Minister, Moshe Dayan, came up with a bit of psychological warfare to mess with Egyptian President Nasser, using a talking parrot. One day, while Nasser was sitting at his desk, the parrot flew in his office window, defecated on Nasser's head, squawked "RAAAAWK! Moshe Dayan says, ‘F*** you,'" and flew out the window.

The next day, Nasser had all his air defense generals in for a conference, and was demanding to know how a parrot got past all their radars...when the parrot flies through the window, defecates on Nasser's head, squawks, "RAAAAWK! Moshe Dayan says, 'F*** you!'" and then flies out the window.

The next day, the Egyptians had set up an ambush. When the parrot flew in the window, Egyptian generals slammed the window and set about catching the parrot. Four and a half hours later, after suffering some very heavy casualties, they captured the parrot and cut his tongue out, and President Nasser shouts, "OK, what have you got to say now, you damn parrot?"

The parrot squawks, "RAAAWK" (at this point in telling the story, place your left palm over your left eye, raise your right hand, and extend your middle digit).

A Wonderful Ecumenical Story

This is a true story that should make every American that reads it very proud.  Back in late September of 2009, a Brooklyn synagogue, Beth Elohim, found that they had a serious problem. A large piece of plaster fell from the ceiling of the 100-year old building.  Investigation revealed that the roof of the synagogue was in danger of collapsing. Talk about absolutely rotten luck.  This took place just three days before the celebration of Yom Kippur. Fortunately, (only in America) the synagogue’s Rabbi, Andy Bachman, was very good friends with the Rev. Daniel Meeter of the Old First Reformed Church located just one block away.  The good Reverend Meeter told the Rabbi that the synagogue’s congregation was welcome to use the church for a Sunday night service, and about 1,000 people were in attendance that night.  I understand that these two fine clergymen are the very best of friends and I think that is a very good thing.

In case anyone doesn't fully appreciate what an extraordinary thing that is; you might want to read about repeated incidents in recent years in Egypt and other Muslim countries. Under Sharia law, Muslims may *tolerate* Christians and Jews (the “people of the book”), but one of the restrictions placed on them is that no church or synagogue is to be repaired in any way, *ever*.  Sadly, quite a few Muslims are willing to use lethal force to prevent the repair of non-Muslim houses of worship.  

I’m not a religious person, but if I were I think it would be appropriate to say, “God bless America!”

Taunting Gisele Bϋndchen

Football fans may know that the New England Patriots lost the 2012 super bowl and, for reasons known best to themselves, some fans of the winners, the New York Giants, saw the wife of New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady — the resilient super model, Gisele Bϋndchen — and proceeded to taunt her about her husband’s team losing.

Personally, I think taunting the fans of a losing team is a very unsportsmanlike thing to do and I would especially not taunt Gisele Bϋndchen.  (I would be much more inclined to ask her to introduce me to her twin sister, Patricia.) Furthermore, I think it is a very bad idea to taunt somebody who makes 30 million dollars a year.  I would be afraid that I would someday get run down by a Brinks truck or crushed under a pile of gold ingots or, most horribly, devoured by a pack of 900 starving chinchillas. Post script to this story is, apparently Ms. Bϋndchen lost her temper at her tormentors and yelled something to the effect of her husband couldn't get his team to win if his teammates kept dropping his passes.   Seeing as how Tom Brady passed for 266 yards and 2 touchdowns, I would say his receivers did quite well.

Am I the only person who thinks that SNL missed out on an opportunity for a great skit in which three of Brady’s Patriot teammates could give an editorial reply?  After all, if she’s going to criticize how they do their jobs, why can’t they criticize how she does hers (remember she’s a super model)?  

I could hear it now: “Gisele, girlfriend, do you really think those shoes go with that purse?”

“Gisele, where did you get those earrings, out of a Cracker Jack box?”

And finally, “Lady, who does your make-up, Bozo the Clown?”

Mink Farming

Many, many years ago a distant relative of my father owned a mink farm.  My father told me that the question that mink farmers get over and over and over again is: “How many pelts can you get off a mink.”  The answer that mink farmers have developed to this query is: “Only two.  After you skin him for the second time, he gets so damned irritable.”

Heisenberg’s Mommy

I recently had lunch with Allen Byerton who is one of my two favorite professors at Ohio State.  His specialty is German History.  When I read his book “Scientists under Hitler” I learned a true story that proves that truth is much stranger than fiction.  Werner (I checked) Heisenberg was Germany’s foremost authority on quantum physics in the 1930s and in the early days of Nazi rule, he managed to get himself in serious trouble with the SS.  Heisenberg got in serious trouble with the SS in early Nazi rule for making favorable mention of Albert Einstein who, as a Jewish exile from Germany was totally persona non grata, in his papers.  Some SS publications went so far as to refer to Heisenberg as a “white Jew.”  That sort of language could mean very serious trouble in Germany in the 1930s.  It could get a man imprisoned or worse. 

The way Heisenberg managed to get out of trouble is one for Ripley’s Believe It or Not.  By an extraordinary coincidence, Heisenberg’s mother was acquainted with Heinrich Himmler’s (head of the Gestapo) mother. The two ladies of a certain age had lunch and Frau Heisenberg prevailed upon Frau Himmler to ask her son to ease up on Professor Heisenberg. 

A few days after the ladies had lunch, Heisenberg got a letter from Himmler informing him that he was officially exonerated from being a “white Jew” that he was back in the good graces of the German government and admonishing him not to make any more favorable references to Albert Einstein in his papers. While I think it’s a good thing that Prof Heisenberg managed to get out of trouble. It boggles the mind to think of how many other helpful suggestions Fraulein Himmler might have had for her son. 

My Theory about Methodists

Based on the Methodists I've known I've come up with a working theory about those folks.  #1 the Methodists I've known have been very fine people.  #2 I have a theory about why the Romans never threw Methodists to the lions.  There are two reasons for this: #1 the denomination of Methodists did not get started until the early 19^th century so they missed out on all the insanity in the coliseum; and, secondly, if anybody had ever tried to throw the Methodists I know to the lions, the lions would have called in sick.  Seriously, the lions would have gone out on strike with or without approval from their union.  Yes, I am saying that rather than face the Methodists, the lions would have called a wildcat strike.