Friday, December 21, 2012

A Hemingway Story

Okay, everybody.  If you know your Hemingway, then you should know “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Care to guess the answer?
“To *die*....... in the *rain*.”
Whenever I interact with someone who passes up a chance to do something spectacularly stupid, I will often sing a little ditty which I have entitled the “You Are Not a Total Idiot Song.”
It goes:
“You are NOT a total idiot
You are NOT a total idiot
You may or may not be a rocket scientist, but
You are NOT a total idiot.”
This past year, I’ve spent a great deal of time serving as guardian ad litem for a family named Hemingway.  In that capacity, I had to write a report to the judge after visiting the biological parents and foster parents and making my recommendation as to the best interest of the Hemingway children: young girls about three and six.
Option #1: Biological Mom and Dad.  Biomom looked like she was getting her act together but violated her probation and got sent back to Marysville’s Ohio State Reformatory for Women.  It was not her first time there.  Biodad will shortly finish a stint in the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction and will soon be relocating to Kentucky, where he will be serving a double-digit stint. 
Option 2: I went out and visited the foster parents who were Mr. and Mr. Responsible Gay Couple.  They have a very fine-looking house on a multi-acre plot in Union County and are taking care of a couple of other small children.  The household includes four dogs (who do not bite; I checked).  There’s enough of a backyard for a very gentle horsey to graze.  When one of the foster parents expressed concern about the outcome of the case, I explained that the Ohio laws don’t care if you’re an angel walking the Earth with the resources of Bill Gates or Warren Buffett, the biological parent gets a chance to clean themselves up.  That said, I did have a couple concerns as to how they conduct their household.  I asked, “Do you conduct religious rituals involving human sacrifice?”
   “Do you raise any fighting pit bulls?”

     I commented on the horse in the back pasture and asked if he ever held rodeos involving bull riding for the kids. 
     I said, “I really don’t think we have a problem here, fella.”
Do you get the point I’m making?  Biomom’s in Marysville, the nice gay couple has dogs and a horse and a beautiful home.  I’m proud to say that I recommended the foster parents continue to have foster custody of the children.  Sometime in the near future, they’re probably going to get *permanent* custody.  I don’t pretend to be some Great Brother of Man for making such a decision, but I am fully confident that I made the right choice.  You may disagree, but then I would NOT sing my “You Are Not a Total Idiot” song to you. 

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