Happy Birthday, Jack Nicklaus

January 21 marked Jack Nicklaus’ seventieth birthday. We are very proud of him in Central Ohio. In fact, Nicklaus attended the same school I did, Jones Junior High, about fifteen years before I did. For many years, Jack’s father operated a drug store on Lane Avenue, less than a mile from where I grew up. I’ve only met Jack on one occasion. It was at an Ohio State football game in October 1979. I managed to get his autograph and told him, “Jack, the best is yet to come.” He smiled and replied, “We’ll see.” Seeing as how that conversation took place seven years before Jack’s legendary victory at the Masters in 1986, maybe I was right.

I recently read about a time when Jack Nicklaus and former President Ford played a round of golf with the world’s greatest golfer. No, not Tiger Woods; I’m referring to former President Bill Clinton, who was unquestionably the world’s greatest golfer whenever he signs his own scorecard. President Ford was disgusted when Clinton gave himself an 80, when that was nowhere near what he’d shot. Apparently, Nicklaus shared those sentiments because he commented to Ford, “Yes, 80—with fifty floating mulligans.”

Rommel the Soldier

During Rommel’s inter-war years, Rommel was able to impress a rising German politician named Adolf Hitler. Rommel distinguished himself during the invasion of France in 1940 and for two years, his Africa corps fought the entire British Army to a standstill. Finally, his people were overwhelmed by vastly superior numbers. In early 1944, Hitler chose him to command the Atlantic Wall, to prepare for the Allied invasion. In early 1944, a British commando unit made a raid on the French coast and one of the units and officers were taken prisoner. To the young lieutenant’s amazement, he was taken to Rommel’s headquarters for an interview with the field marshal himself. They had a nice chat and Rommel commented that it was a shame that the British and the Germans were not fighting on the same side against the Russians. No doubt Rommel was sincere in what he said. He spoke excellent English and, like many Germans, was an avid Anglophile. The young officer commented that he did not think that would be possible because of the extent of the differences between England and Germany. When Rommel asked him what he meant, the young officer replied, “for example, your country’s treatment of the Jews.” At that point, Rommel snapped, “You are talking politics. We are soldiers.”

At the end of the interview, Rommel gave an order that the young officer was not to be harmed. It was not until the end of the war that the young British officer fully realized how lucky he’d been. Rommel knew that Hitler had issued express orders that any captured commando was to be summarily executed. In sparing the young officer’s life, Rommel was disobeying a direct order from the Fuhrer. When that young lieutenant reported his conversation with Rommel to his superiors after the war, they found it hard to believe until British Occupational Forces looked into the archive and found transcripts of the conversation, finding the officer was correct. In hearing that anecdote, I have profoundly mixed feelings that Rommel had the moral courage and gallantry to spare a captured enemy, even at the risk of his own life, but I’m deeply saddened that Rommel undoubtedly had considerable knowledge of the ghastly nature of the Nazi regime’s treatment of Jews. It is impossible not to admire Erwin Rommel. It’s also a mistake to admire him too much.

Academic Major

I just learned that Elizabeth Lambert is majoring in (I am NOT making this up) occupational therapy. After she *maims* people on the field, she helps rehab them. Oh, well, at least she isn't studying to be a funeral director.

Alaska 'Cicely' and Bethel

After spending over five years as a Public Defender in Bethel, Alaska, a town of about 8,000 that is 399 miles west of Anchorage, one question I've heard many, many times, is does life in Alaska bear any resemblence to the fictious town of Cicely, Alaska, depicted on the television show "Northern Exposure".

One huge difference is that 'Cicely' is set in a heavily forested part of Alaska, while Bethel is in tundra country. There's a popular inside joke in Bethel: "Around here there's a beautiful woman behind every tree." (There *aren't* any trees in tundra country.) In bush Alaska, the ratio of men to women is higher than in any other part of the United States. This gives rise to the saying amongst the womenfolk: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Ironically enough, there were several very striking resemblences between Bethel and 'Cicely'. In Cicely, the actor John Corbett played the local disc jockey; in Bethel, there were only two radio stations (Anchorage stations are WAY out of range). One was a evangelical station, while the other was a very eclectic outfit- and all anyone had to do to get into show business was go down to the station and volunteer to work a four-hour shift.

In Cicely, Rob Morrow played Dr. Joel Fleishmann, a recent medical school grad from New York, who is hired to provide medical care for the town for a few years to pay off his student loans. Add the fact that Dr. Fleishmann is Jewish and the result is some very good "fish out of water" humor. Bethel is the location of the biggest hospital west of Anchorage and a great many of the doctors are paying off their student loans.

Once, the Bethel High School had a competition to see who could make the best speech in Yup'ik, the local Indian language. And the winner was....a kid named Solomon Krivens, a Jewish kid whose father was one of the senior doctors at the hospital. (A note to my Jewish friends: not all sterotypes are negative, and not all sterotypes are inaccurate.)

In Cicely, Janine Turner played a bush pilot. I never met a female bush pilot, but I did once fly to a small village (got to see the Yukon River from the air) That experience gave me a whole new understanding of the term "white knuckle flying". Nothing like flying a thousand feet about the tundra at a bit over a hundred miles an hour, feeling the winds shake the plane *constantly*. Until quite recently, Alaska state law (AS 02.35.110) *required* that in addition to standard survival gear- food, fire starting gear, sleeping bags-every bush flight had to carry a firearm- in case you crash, and a hungry bear shows up. While it is no longer state law, bush flights still carry firearms, and as far as I can determine, in over 50 years of Alaskan statehood, there has *never* been a mishap involving a bush flight firearm. (If there ever had been, no doubt the bastards at the New York Times would put it on the front page every day for six weeks! The New York Times just *loves* to tell Alaskans how they should run their state, which is why their writers would be very well advised to never set foot in bush Alaska.)

In 'Cicely', the town's leading citizen and head honcho, was a sixty-ish retired Marine fighter pilot and astronaut named Maurice Minnifield (played by Barry Corbin- a real life former Marine) In Bethel, we had a sixty-ish retired Marine Sergeant Major named Joel Bowles. To say that he was a colorful character would be quite an understatement. After 30 years with Uncle Sam's Misguided Children, he'd done quite well as a businessman, and had a fishing boat called the "Semper Fi". I once told him that he reminded him that he reminded me of Barry Corbin's character, and that was the *only* time I ever saw Sgt. Major Bowles at a loss for words.

Several years ago, a guy in Bethel recorded enough songs about local life to make an album. The title track was "Paris on the Kuskokwim", which was absolutely halarious. I just checked youtube-there isn't a clip containing "Paris on the Kuskokwim", but there are several clips about the Kuskokwim River.

Every year, in January, Bethel hosts the Kuskokwim 300 sled-dog race. Several thousand people get on the ice (including me- the *only* day of the year that I'd be out there) to watch the race start. I once heard Bill Maher make a snarky comment (*everything* he says is snarky) to the effect that if you hit dogs they will run. That comment would have made me lose all respect for Bill Maher- if I had ever had the slightest shred of respect for him to begin with. Hitting dogs simply is *not* done. *E*V*E*R*. Those dogs run because they love to run. I've seen the starts of *five* K300s and the dog teams are always jumping up and down, eager to get started. (a dozen teams of eleven dogs each- there's a whole lot of barking going on).

In Cicely, there's just one General Store. In Bethel, we had got three large grocery/general stores. One way you can be sure that you're in bush Alaska is that the first store items they put antitheft devices on are the bottles of mouthwash. I don't drink alcohol at all; I really can't imagine getting drunk on mouthwash. In the United States as a whole, Prohibition lasted 1919-1933; it is still in force in a great many Alaska bush towns, it is still in force. It makes quite a bit of sense too- there is a horrendous problem among the Yup'ik people with alcohol abuse. (By Yup'ik standards, you're not *really* drunk until your BAC is above .25)

One aspect of Alaskan bush life that the writers of "Northern Exposure" completely missed was the residual Russian influence- Alaska was a Russian possession until 143 years ago. Some of the most common names amongst Yup'iks are Ivan, Evan, Sergie, and Vassily, and Wassily. I once got on the phone to a client named Wassily Sergie to inform him that I had a great offer from the DA's office on his drunk driving charge. It was not until the next day that I learned I'd been mistaken. The DA's offer had been for *Vassily* Sergie- also charged with drunk driving. The Yup'ik word for non-Yup'iks is "Gussack", a mispronunciation of "Cossack". And in Bethel, you're considerably closer to Russia than you are to Anchorage.

Bethel is one of 38 census areas in the US where English is not the majority language and one of *three* where the majority language is neither English nor Spanish. Over 60% of the population speak Yup'ik at home.

To be continued...

Mixed Feelings

There's an old joke that mixed feelings is what you experience when your worst enemy drives your new car off a cliff and it explodes in a fireball. That is exactly the feeling I got today when I learned that Somali pirates had hijacked a freighter..........


from North Korea.

Woody's Excellent Advice

On New Year's Eve 1969, Michigan's football coach Bo Schembechler suffered a heart attack at the age of 40. Shortly thereafter, he received a letter from his former boss, long-time rival, and lifelong friend, Woody Hayes. I have never read the letter, but I have a *very* good idea of the contents. It no doubt read something to the effect of "Now you listen *up* and you listen *good*, you mule headed S.O.B., you don't like taking orders from anybody, but when those doctors tell you to do something, you *do* it!"

Bo must have done something right; he lived another 37 years.

In the mid-70s, Woody Hayes had a heart attack. A few days later, he received a letter from Schembechler. The envelope contained the letter Woody had written years before, along with a note from Schembechler, which read "A very wise man once sent me this letter. I hope you'll take his advice."

Sue Lyon and Dominique Swain

Back in the 1950s, a young actress named Sue Lyon starred in Stanley Kubrick’s production of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Sue Lyon’s life went straight downhill from there. She had four failed marriages, including one to a man who was doing a life sentence in Colorado for murder. She once commented, “try having a normal life when you make your debut as a sex symbol at fifteen.” I thought of Ms. Lyon’s comment upon the release of the Jeremy Irons version of Lolita, co-starring Dominique Swain.

I read Nabokov’s novel and thought he was a genius as a writer. At the same time, I found the protagonist (Humbert Humbert) an absolutely loathsome creature. (Spoiler alert: Lolita came out fifty years ago. If you don’t know the ending, tough.) In the end of the book, when the narrator relates that Humbert dies of a heart attack after a short stay in jail, I thought, “No, no, no, I want him to do at least twenty-five in solitary.”

In any event, Miss Swain has not done any stints in rehab, has had no failed marriages, and has not appeared in the police blotter, so I guess she’s doing fine.