A Columbus Classic

The Franklin County offices are located about 100 yards from the Franklin County courthouse.

A Ken Osmond Comeback?

No, I am *not* referring to an unknown member of the famous singing family from Utah. Rather, I am referring to Theodore Cleaver's nemesis on "Leave It to Beaver"- a total suck-up around parents and a total troublemaker amongst his peers. In real life, after 6 years of playing America's favorite juvenile sociopath, Ken Osmond found himself type-cast and unemployable as an actor. So, at the age of 26, he joined the Los Angeles Police Department.

One of the highlights of his days in blue was the time that a rumor circulated that Osmond had adopted the name John Holmes and was doing porn. When a theatre owner put "Ken Osmond” in "Behind the Green Door" on his marquee, Osmond told the proprietor that if he didn't take down that sign, he would be hearing from Osmond's lawyer very soon.

Osmond wore a badge for 18 years until 1988, when a suspect shot 3 times- Osmond's Kevlar vest stopped two bullets, the 3rd glanced off his belt buckle. In any event, Osmond got to retire on a partial disability pension.

Am I the only person who thinks it is a low down dirty rotten shame that Ken Osmond does not have his own TV show: "Eddie Haskell, LAPD", a detective specializing in tracking down rogue child stars? (Danny Bonaduce could play his nemesis).

1,656?

I recently read of a terrorist bomb making teacher who managed to detonate one of his creations killing himself and 22 of his pupils.  Poetic justice is a wonderful, wonderful thing.  (In the words of Oscar Wilde: “It takes a heart of stone not to laugh.”) I can only wonder where they are going to come up with 1,656 virgins.

Meeting Santa

There is a lawyer I see occasionally at the court house whose hair is quite white and his full beard matches.  I recently kidded him that he must be one of the few people in Columbus who enjoys January because kids are no longer coming up to him and telling him what they want for Christmas.  I was quite surprised when he handed me his business card.  In mid- to late December he actually has a part-time business making appearances as Santa.

O’Toole, Bruce and Wambaugh

I once saw the author/one-time LAPD detective, Joseph Wambaugh, give an interview in which he stated that his police career would have been a great deal different had he worn a badge in any other American city besides Los Angeles.  He told a story about, while a rookie cop in the early sixties, he and his partner having busted two men smoking marijuana in the car. (A pot bust was a much bigger deal back then than it is now.)  One of the men, who spoke with a considerable Irish accent, tearfully begged them not to ruin his career by taking him in.  When Wambaugh’s Sergeant arrived on the scene, he listened to what the young actor had said and tossed the marijuana down the sewer drain.  That young Irish actor, Wambaugh says, was none other than Peter O’Toole who went on to have quite a career.  His companion in the car that night was the comedian, Lenny Bruce.  Wambaugh says that maybe it was a coincidence, but after that night, he never again heard Bruce refer to police officers as pigs.

Rule of Thumb

Mark Twain said it very well, “It ain’t ignorance that’s dangerous; it’s people knowing things that just aren’t so.”  Over the years I have heard some feminist extremists (attention feminists: if the shoe fits, wear it) explain the “rule of thumb” to be old English common law that a man could beat his wife as long as he didn’t use a stick thicker than is thumb.  When I did my second year of law school in London, I did what I could to get to the bottom of that story.  After consulting with several medieval scholars, I am now prepared to announce that it is particularly nefarious urban legend. Parliament never authorized such a bill nor did the church ever sanction such action. However, that’s a story that some people want to believe to be true.

Churchill and Freud

Winston Churchill, II (the Prime Minister’s grandson) had a political career of his own and served several terms in Parliament. Clement Freud (Sigmund Freud’s grandson) also served several terms in Parliament.  Once both men went on a fact-finding junket to the People’s Republic of China and Mr. Freud discovered that Mr. Churchill had been assigned a much more spacious hotel suite than he had. When he protested to his Chinese hosts, he was informed that Mr. Churchill’s grandfather had been a very influential man.  When Freud replied that his grandfather replied that his grandfather had also been a very influential man, his hosts replied, "Yes, but not as influential as Mr. Churchill's." Mr. Freud shook his head and said, “This is the first time in my entire life that I have ever been out-grandfathered.”