I maintain e-correspondence with a wide variety of people, both in terms of geography and ideology. Last week, I got an e-mail from a woman who has been my friend since law school, V, that excoriated Rush Limbaugh, asking the difference between Limbaugh and the Hindenberg. The answer, of course, is that one is a fat Nazi gasbag and the other is a dirigible. I also got an e-mail from an old friend, a retired Marine in San Diego, announcing that he might get a chance to start a radio talk show. This is officially too funny. I wish my good friend the First Sergeant all the success in the world. Indeed, if he should supplant Rush Limbaugh as the number one radio personality in America, I believe this would result in several positive developments. Along with V’s many fine qualities, she has served as “fairy dogmother” and has adopted rescue dogs from the shelter. She’ll be pleased to know that if the First Sergeant becomes as influential as Limbaugh, stray animals in America will become unknown as long as every household follows his example and adopts three stray dogs and three stray cats. No more strays. Problem solved.
Second, Americans would stop swearing if they followed the First Sergeant’s good example. They would eschew the “f” and “s” words and learn to express themselves in a more eloquent manner. More than a decade ago, when the First Sergeant was selected to be a drill instructor, he informed me that then-current Marine regulations forbade the use of the “f-bomb” in front of recruits. I was amazed by that. In my mind’s eye, I saw thousands of Marines ready to storm Iwo Jima in February 1945 being informed that they were forbidden from using that word. I imagined them all, bellowing as one man, (Foxtrot) this (Sierra), and everyone would have gone home. He said that he had modified his vocabulary by using the terms, “freaking,” “friggin’” or “fricken.” (My collaborator informs me that that last term has the same meaning in German, allowing our German friends to be offended.) Fortunately, the First Sergeant is blessed with such an imposing presence and demeanor that he could make “fiddlesticks” sound intimidating. If Americans followed the First Sergeant’s example, that would be freaking awesome.
Third, while the First Sergeant may not be able to find a cure for cancer, but by god, he most assuredly does have a cure for Type 2 diabetes and our dependence on foreign oil. If everyone in America rolled out of their racks at oh-dark-thirty and followed half of the First Sergeant’s exercise regimen, there wouldn’t be a single new case of that malady anywhere between Mexico and Canada. Furthermore, if Americans got off of their collective sixes and ran a 10k a day, the Saudis could go back to riding camels, an outcome to be wished.
Fourth, no one in the world will be making anymore snide comments about fat, out of shape Americans. Everybody in the USA will have a body fat percentage a shade under five percent and will be too busy training for triathlons to get into any trouble.
Furthermore, on foreign policy, if someone is going to opine over the best way to deal with Kim Jong Il, who would you rather listen to? A lardass who never wore the uniform, or a lean, mean fighting machine who has been within a kilometer of the demilitarized zone wearing a Kevlar helmet and lugging an M-16? Several months ago, I asked everyone in my e-mail list what they thought was the best way to deal with Kim Jong Il. Only the First Sergeant responded and he had exactly the right answer.
Finally, whatever you might think of the great family values debate, who would you rather listen to? A man with 26 years of marriage (to the same absolutely awesome woman) and three beyond adorable children, or a guy with three ticked-off ex-wives?
Best of luck, First Sergeant!
Second, Americans would stop swearing if they followed the First Sergeant’s good example. They would eschew the “f” and “s” words and learn to express themselves in a more eloquent manner. More than a decade ago, when the First Sergeant was selected to be a drill instructor, he informed me that then-current Marine regulations forbade the use of the “f-bomb” in front of recruits. I was amazed by that. In my mind’s eye, I saw thousands of Marines ready to storm Iwo Jima in February 1945 being informed that they were forbidden from using that word. I imagined them all, bellowing as one man, (Foxtrot) this (Sierra), and everyone would have gone home. He said that he had modified his vocabulary by using the terms, “freaking,” “friggin’” or “fricken.” (My collaborator informs me that that last term has the same meaning in German, allowing our German friends to be offended.) Fortunately, the First Sergeant is blessed with such an imposing presence and demeanor that he could make “fiddlesticks” sound intimidating. If Americans followed the First Sergeant’s example, that would be freaking awesome.
Third, while the First Sergeant may not be able to find a cure for cancer, but by god, he most assuredly does have a cure for Type 2 diabetes and our dependence on foreign oil. If everyone in America rolled out of their racks at oh-dark-thirty and followed half of the First Sergeant’s exercise regimen, there wouldn’t be a single new case of that malady anywhere between Mexico and Canada. Furthermore, if Americans got off of their collective sixes and ran a 10k a day, the Saudis could go back to riding camels, an outcome to be wished.
Fourth, no one in the world will be making anymore snide comments about fat, out of shape Americans. Everybody in the USA will have a body fat percentage a shade under five percent and will be too busy training for triathlons to get into any trouble.
Furthermore, on foreign policy, if someone is going to opine over the best way to deal with Kim Jong Il, who would you rather listen to? A lardass who never wore the uniform, or a lean, mean fighting machine who has been within a kilometer of the demilitarized zone wearing a Kevlar helmet and lugging an M-16? Several months ago, I asked everyone in my e-mail list what they thought was the best way to deal with Kim Jong Il. Only the First Sergeant responded and he had exactly the right answer.
Finally, whatever you might think of the great family values debate, who would you rather listen to? A man with 26 years of marriage (to the same absolutely awesome woman) and three beyond adorable children, or a guy with three ticked-off ex-wives?
Best of luck, First Sergeant!
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