Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Indecent Proposal

I once dated a young woman who was a Christian Scientists. Based on that experience, I am of the fervent opinion that, while everyone should be able to worship as they choose, Christian Scientists should not have custody of their children. When I was a sophomore at Ohio State, I took up with a Christian Scientist named Donna. I did not have a particularly strong opinion about the faith, but that changed when I discovered that Donna had a lump on her left breast, and she intended to read Science and Health Mary Baker Eddies. I implored her in the strongest possible terms to get to a hospital and get the lump examined forthwith. I managed to convince her to do so. Happily enough, it was benign.

Sometime during our relationship, Donna said to me, “Let’s get married.”

Long silence.

Finally, I replied, “Let’s pop some popcorn.” We broke up shortly after that. I saw Donna with a man she described as a husband a couple years later. I checked for rope burns on his hands, but apparently, he had married her willingly.

Donna had a brother named Ron who was a Columbus Police Officer. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would very much like to have Ron as a brother-in-law, provided I did not have to marry his sister to do it. A few years ago, I was researching a point of Columbus Police procedure, so I looked up Ron’s number and we had an interesting conversation: the first time we had talked in more than 25 years. He informed me that Donna was married and had a child. One day, when the child had a high fever, she did not take him to a doctor. Instead, she read that stupid book. The youngster suffered irreversible brain damage. Donna is now pushing 60 and still lives with her mother.

I have made some egregious mistakes in my life, but I am grateful for the fact that I at least had the good sense to decline Donna’s proposal.

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